"They say pain is an illusion, this is just a bruise and you are just confused, but I am only human..."
-Human by Krewella
Sometimes I pretend like I'm ok. We all do. No one wants to show the ugly side of humanity; pain, sadness, selfishness. This weekend I'm sifting through a lot of emotions and some are a little tough to get through. This weekend brings me one week closer to seeing my brother deploy overseas for a number of months. I know what they say is true- "he knew what he was signing up for." But it doesn't make it any less scary or any less hard to watch him go. It's the uncertainty in the face of a real threat that is difficult to get through. Yes, any of us could be harmed at any time on any given day. But there is a level of risk that comes into play. And the level of risk in a high stress war zone is a lot higher most of the time. I know I need to have faith and I know that God is watching over him. I've seen God work miracles everyday.
So why is it so hard for me to have faith now, in this situation? Because, I am only human and that's what faith is: daily surrendering and daily asking God to help us and keep us strong. Faith is not easy. If it was, everyone would have it and there would be no problems. But God wants us to come to Him daily for faith and for comfort and for peace. I know what is good and true in my heart, but in my head it is a struggle to have that peace and that faith everyday. I am only human.
Also this weekend, I served in the concessions stand for a basketball game at my old high school, where I coach cheerleading. As I was getting things together early that morning and trying to remember where things were I remembered that it had been YEARS since I had worked in there. I thought back to the last time I was there, I was with my mom and the dad of one of my fellow cheerleaders. A man who had been taken from us too soon when the shootings happened at the Navy Yard in 2013. It was the first time since 9/11 that terror had hit so close to home for me. It was the first time that I had lost someone I knew well to terror. Realizing that opened some old wounds, and on top of Daniel's upcoming deployment, made me realize how short life is and how quickly your typical Tuesday can turn tragic.
I am sifting through a lot of heavy emotions this week. There is a difficulty I'm finding, in keeping those moments fresh in our minds so as to not take the little things for granted but not letting them eat at us emotionally. There is always the desire to push them to the back but then you run the risk of forgetting and living in a fantasy that there are no troubles in the world.
I miss the days where the biggest worry was what kind of sandwich your mom packed for lunch or if you had food in your teeth when you gave a presentation at school. Sorting out emotions is difficult, but I am thankful that I can take comfort and find peace in knowing God is there to help shoulder the burden. I can find faith in Him and know that He has a plan, that He won't ever give us too much and that the weight will make us stronger in the end.
Have faith but remember that you are only human, you can not do it alone and you are not expected to be super woman everyday. Emotions are good for growth. Have a good cry, learn from it and grow. Its ok.
xoxo
-Human by Krewella
Sometimes I pretend like I'm ok. We all do. No one wants to show the ugly side of humanity; pain, sadness, selfishness. This weekend I'm sifting through a lot of emotions and some are a little tough to get through. This weekend brings me one week closer to seeing my brother deploy overseas for a number of months. I know what they say is true- "he knew what he was signing up for." But it doesn't make it any less scary or any less hard to watch him go. It's the uncertainty in the face of a real threat that is difficult to get through. Yes, any of us could be harmed at any time on any given day. But there is a level of risk that comes into play. And the level of risk in a high stress war zone is a lot higher most of the time. I know I need to have faith and I know that God is watching over him. I've seen God work miracles everyday.
So why is it so hard for me to have faith now, in this situation? Because, I am only human and that's what faith is: daily surrendering and daily asking God to help us and keep us strong. Faith is not easy. If it was, everyone would have it and there would be no problems. But God wants us to come to Him daily for faith and for comfort and for peace. I know what is good and true in my heart, but in my head it is a struggle to have that peace and that faith everyday. I am only human.
Also this weekend, I served in the concessions stand for a basketball game at my old high school, where I coach cheerleading. As I was getting things together early that morning and trying to remember where things were I remembered that it had been YEARS since I had worked in there. I thought back to the last time I was there, I was with my mom and the dad of one of my fellow cheerleaders. A man who had been taken from us too soon when the shootings happened at the Navy Yard in 2013. It was the first time since 9/11 that terror had hit so close to home for me. It was the first time that I had lost someone I knew well to terror. Realizing that opened some old wounds, and on top of Daniel's upcoming deployment, made me realize how short life is and how quickly your typical Tuesday can turn tragic.
I am sifting through a lot of heavy emotions this week. There is a difficulty I'm finding, in keeping those moments fresh in our minds so as to not take the little things for granted but not letting them eat at us emotionally. There is always the desire to push them to the back but then you run the risk of forgetting and living in a fantasy that there are no troubles in the world.
I miss the days where the biggest worry was what kind of sandwich your mom packed for lunch or if you had food in your teeth when you gave a presentation at school. Sorting out emotions is difficult, but I am thankful that I can take comfort and find peace in knowing God is there to help shoulder the burden. I can find faith in Him and know that He has a plan, that He won't ever give us too much and that the weight will make us stronger in the end.
Have faith but remember that you are only human, you can not do it alone and you are not expected to be super woman everyday. Emotions are good for growth. Have a good cry, learn from it and grow. Its ok.
xoxo